Wow, in less than a week Bryce and I will be on a plane heading to Italy! I have been probably at my lowest time since loosing our baby and I keep thinking to myself we just have to make it to Italy and everything will start to get better. Well God decided that the way I was thinking was not ok and He made it very apparent that I need to learn the secret of contentment like Paul did. It all started on Friday evening with a much needed talk with my most wonderful husband and my attitude and view on life is being completely transformed. Thanks to God telling a good friend that she needed to share a book with me, The Power of a Whisper by Bill Hybels, I am understand our God in such a life changing way. I am learning to shut my mind off and just listen to God's word. Right now He has been giving me the sweet whispers of encouragement and guiding me on how to cope with this grief. Instead of laying in bed crying I get down on my knees and cry out to Him. It's amazing how fast He picks me up! I am also learning that in any situation I need to find contentment. It is still a work in progress but I am working on stopping to think things like, I need a baby to feel content again. I know that it would maybe help, but it isn't going to make everything all better. Unless I give God control of everything I will never feel content. So I can now say, as hard as it is, I am grateful for what God is teaching me through loosing our baby. If it had not happened I wouldn't be in place I am today. It doesn't mean I am not sad or not still fighting this grief, because I am everyday. Bryce and I both are and it is ok. I have finally came to reality that I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I cry all the time and I will cry anywhere. My really good friend, who is pregnant and is due a week after I was supposed to be, got to see that the other day in TJ Maxx. I was having a very sad day and cried in every store I went to that day (my pride is gone) and she happened to be at TJ Maxx and I just cried to her. At first I was upset that out of all people she had to see me like this, I didn't want to risk loosing our friendship because I couldn't keep it together(that is just my irrational thinking). I wanted so bad to put a smile on my face and suck it up but I just couldn't. Luckily I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for and she listened and talked with me and got my mind off the pity party I was having. I know that I can't rush this grieving process, I just need to let it happen. I am so thankful for the people around me who just let me cry and listen, they don't look at me like, "wow Sara it has been over two months, let's get it together about now." I will get it together, and I am. Everyday does get better and each day brings a new opportunity to make it better. My sweet dear friends in Washington just lost a friend who they were so very close to. I talked with my friend yesterday and she is just starting this grieving process but she already has seen good come out of it. The darkest moments are sometimes what is takes for us to see the light. She is learning that everyday is precious and to take advantage of each day with people you love. That does sound cliche, as she said to me over the phone, but it is so true. Always tell the people around you that you love them and give hugs without thinking twice about it! I know a family that tells everyone "love you" and they do truly mean it and when you are around them you can feel that love they have for others and eachother. I am over the American standard of living: getting married, buying a house, having kids, retirement, work hard to make good money. Bryce and I's new standard of living: love everyone, be the best wife and husband that we can be, buying a house is overrated and can keep you from hearing from God when he says GO(wherever that may be), working over 40 hours a week and sometimes on the weekend is no future for us no matter how much money you make, living each day with contentment, stay out of debt, and the most important let God lead you and transform your inner most core.
